my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
