This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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