You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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