john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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