nut hugger
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
