dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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