the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
