I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
