I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
