Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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