my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
