I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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