I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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