You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
