I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
