I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
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I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
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Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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