I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
