Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
