apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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