he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
