So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
