you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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