hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
All the doctor said was why
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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