Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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