I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
