things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My penis needs a shock collar
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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