you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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