so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
