Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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