Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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