someone owes me an orgasm
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
