I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
