he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
