i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
