I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
