cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
you never un-have a 4some
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
