I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
