On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
