It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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