I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
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As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
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THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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