Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
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When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
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Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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