yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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