the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
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i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
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I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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