yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
