Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
