My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
