I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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