As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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