Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
