my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I looked at my own cervix.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
