Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
