i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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