better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
