Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
