You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
