It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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