I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
